You, Me, People in General

The brain is so powerful; no one knows its true capability. It is the most powerful thing earth and we all have one and access to too many….We are not our thoughts, We are the thoughts on which we act. We all have crazy thoughts from time to time, some more than others but your actions define you. The objective is to find the balance as your thoughts can be extreme. We are born with the knowledge of right and wrong. We can change and or evolve over time. Anyone can choose others advice and many will have all these experiences in their life. Having a higher power is the key, Jesus is my savior but there is so much more in the word, The Holy Bible is amazing and when put to practice will amaze you. I have experienced it myself but seeing others faith, imagine being 18 years old and dying for us to be free. I am humbled by our veterans

My path was full of hard love since my mom was not around much on my childhood. I had the invisible bar concept. The invisible bar was my father always moving the bar up and never really affirming any progress. I kept trying to impress him so never really celebrated as a young man. My father was not one to say I love you so I was always reaching to new height to hopefully receive that approval. It was all out of love because he saw my potential to achieve my goals. His advice was to always consider the worst case scenario but I eventually remember there is a best case scenario and new it would most likely end up in the middle of the two outcomes. It was mostly subconscious until later in life when I started realizing he did not have the same vision or goals. When I started trying to explain and justify, it came out unorganized and crazy. This was not the usual Bob so therefore it got worse and worse. I ended up getting kicked out of his house and moved away to Connecticut.

In Connecticut, I met a girl who was willing to fix me…She knew I was broken, and she the perfect family in my eyes and I fell in love. Unfortunately, I actually wanted what her Dad had and he showed his generosity and belief in me. I ended up marrying his daughter as I thought we could achieve the same life. I knew the marriage was rocky from the start and was confused on how to make it work. I traveled for a living at the time so there was plenty of time apart. Then we moved to GA for me to take over the family business. She was miserable at first in GA so I bent over backwards to submit to anything she wanted trying to make her happy. This is an impossible feat with anyone, you cannot change people much less make them happy.
In Georgia I was working for my Dad, again getting no affirmations and instead accused of ruining the business. So now I had a miserable wife and an accuser. They were my support structures in my mind and all I wanted was them to be happy. I got the opposite, so I turned to drugs to run away from the issue. As we all know the problem is still there when you sober up. I kept trying until it broke me. I was lost and confused putting their word above the word believing I was a failure. This spiraled into me working on bigger problems than my own. I had delusions of grandeur, thinking I could solve the world’s problems. This was an effort to divert from my own problems. Short story the airports were checking the people hard but not the luggage. A terrorist could load whatever on the plane by checking a bag.

They saw I was not myself and thought I was a danger so they (my father and wife) went to the judge and took my rights and freedom. So my first trip to a padded room, and some time with myself locked in the psych ward. After a few days I was free again and ended up at Willingway for 28 days…. I did 23, as my responsibilities came back to mind, I caught a cab home to go back to work. I realized my mortgage was due and I worked so hard to get where I was in life.
I bottled it up and moved on; doing what I thought would make them happy. Still trying, it’s all I knew, buried my head in work and family. So unhealthy to put others words above the lords word. Anyway, brought my Dad out of family business, and stayed in the marriage. I finally realized it was not me going crazy it was the people my words about god. I believed her when judging me. She was silent on the accomplishments for the most part and was not happy with me. I would bare all my baggage with her, I loved her tremendously but she hated people who would remind me I was a good person who was successful in many ways. Instead, she used all my faults against me to bring me down or try to make me perfect. Denying her faults and always quick out to justify her actions regardless, making her own kind and rules setting to be perfection. Yeah faults were different and I all my concerns felt concerns to the one I loved, trying to remove her from my eye to be a better person. All my faults were modernized for future use in her need to control me or divert my attention away from her. It was explained to me as if she were always holding a gun aim at me, I did not know if the gun was loaded, rubber bullets or real but always under judgement and ridicule, strike one.

Strike two, stuck with the marriage blinded by my sins and payment for them. So I reset myself after Willing way, I entered the rehab 100% clean, they said why are you here? So they assumed mental and used drugs like I was lab rat from a horse doctor to boot. Worst experience I have ever had in life. I am not sure what it was but crazy dreams basically what I picture Revelations would be, could not sleep and stuck like a meth binge. Finally came out of it but put a turbo on my crazy, so glad I brought my bible. It seems to always calm me down, then saved a girl from a chair which felt good getting me back on a positive path.

I left rehab early on that trip, realizing they were treating me different than the others, playing too the depressed, too happy-go-lucky ones not letting me write my story off everyone was asked to do on the departure. Mortgage is due, kid on the way and business to run so caught a cab home. Then started a real addiction, I became a gym rat running from my problems, even ran Tri-s at the wife’s wishes. I was working out 2-3 times a day so I used it saying her trainer, he said you look emaciated and I agree, I was not eating enough, cut sugar out of my diet and ate so clean I could not keep weight, much less muscle.
My trainer was a bulker expecting growth and I was shrinking fast with the tri prep routine. My trainer and professionals don’t keep this schedule, what are you doing? At that moment I knew it was an impossible task to win the marriage fight for my overall goals. I am stubborn so I added sugar back to the diet and wanted to add carbs so I could keep the routine.

I knew the marriage was over, it was simply out of my control too, watching the news like a hawk learning all the conspiracies, fears, and workings. I justified this by minimizing my problems, frankly denying my truth and that I was no longer under my wife or Dad to not take my rights again. I kinda knew my supporters were all round me but stuck to what I thought was biblically right while my support line practiced self-righteousness.